One of the greatest lessons you will learn throughout life is the concept of not being dragged down by the past and using it to project you onto something greater, which lets be honest isn’t always easy when you’re drowning in the old… This is something I have been forced to learn in the past 18 months.
18 months ago I was in a happy, stable…ish relationship, planning my wedding which was due to take place in September of 2015, and a few days later I was due to start my Masters degree, I felt like I was in the most amazing position, where my professional and my personal life were living together harmoniously! That’s the dream right? To have success in work and relationships?
Our relationship had always been volatile, so many ups, the feeling of being completely and utterly besotted with each other, couldn’t put each other down; the byproduct of two reactive atoms. As amazing as the highs were, the lows were disgusting. With my constant battle with anxiety, it controlling and consuming my day, my life, and with him not understanding why, how, or what do to when… was the beginning of my demise. I needed him to understand me, he was the man I had vowed to spend forever with, I needed him to know what to do when I had no idea what day of the week it was… Isn’t that what your other half is there for? To be the one who ‘gets you’ like no other, to be the one who comforts, supports and propels you into being the greatest version of yourself you can be? Well, the harsh reality was that after 5 years together, this man didn’t know me, nor did he want to. He had no idea what to do when I worked myself up, he didn’t want to have an idea. In his mind it was silly, all of these pent-up, crazy emotions I felt on a daily basis were just me being silly… How quickly my best friend became a stranger. This was no way to live, I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with a stranger who slept beside me every night. So 3 weeks before we were due to marry, I packed my life into boxes and left. Left my life I was so comfortable with, left my home which I adored, the home that to me was always going to be full of so much love and contentment, I left my best friend …
The following weeks and months are still like a blur. I started my masters (which I have recently completed – thankfully), I started meeting new people… I moved to the Capital which I never imagined doing. The hardest thing about leaving him and starting a new life was the identity crisis that followed. Spending half a decade with someone, you realise that two people become one, and without that one I felt only like half a person. I was so lost. I hit my all time low around Christmas when I was supposed to be having my first Christmas as a ‘Mrs’ in Lapland! I was an absolute state, couldn’t eat, sleep, functioning was difficult… It was fortunate that I had 4 weeks off university.
Exams and assignments began to flood in and I knew that I had to sort myself out otherwise I would not be passing the course. I knew that I needed to do something and fast… It was at the point I moved in with a friend from University and moved from my mothers (who at that point I needed) to getting my independence back; the new beginning. I believe it was at this point I stopped fighting the fact that I still cared, I tried so hard to tell myself I was over him, but I just needed to admit that I wasn’t and appraise the situation in a whole new light. I wasn’t over him, but I did not want him back is what I would tell myself. This is where success started to happen, and I became the student I wanted to be which opened my mind to a whole new mindset.
From that moment on everything changed, I looked at life completely differently, and of course I had bad days like everyone does, but I’d tell myself that it was fine and that this does not mean I am going backwards, it’s just a temporary glitch; “you’re stressed and perhaps slightly exhausted” so buy that pizza, eat the lot and get an early night. Tomorrow is after all, a new day!
So … as J.K.Rowling famously said “Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life”