A lesson to be learned

socrates-quote

One of the greatest lessons you will learn throughout life is the concept of not being dragged down by the past and using it to project you onto something greater, which lets be honest isn’t always easy when you’re drowning in the old…  This is something I have been forced to learn in the past 18 months.

18 months ago I was in a happy, stable…ish relationship, planning my wedding which was due to take place in September of 2015, and a few days later I was due to start my Masters degree, I felt like I was in the most amazing position, where my professional and my personal life were living together harmoniously! That’s the dream right? To have success in work and relationships?

Our relationship had always been volatile, so many ups, the feeling of being completely and utterly besotted with each other, couldn’t put each other down; the byproduct of two reactive atoms.  As amazing as the highs were, the lows were disgusting.  With my constant battle with anxiety, it controlling and consuming my day, my life, and with him not understanding why, how, or what do to when… was the beginning of my demise.  I needed him to understand me, he was the man I had vowed to spend forever with, I needed him to know what to do when I had no idea what day of the week it was… Isn’t that what your other half is there for? To be the one who ‘gets you’ like no other, to be the one who comforts, supports and propels you into being the greatest version of yourself you can be? Well, the harsh reality was that after 5 years together, this man didn’t know me, nor did he want to.  He had no idea what to do when I worked myself up, he didn’t want to have an idea. In his mind it was silly, all of these pent-up, crazy emotions I felt on a daily basis were just me being silly… How quickly my best friend became a stranger.  This was no way to live, I couldn’t spend the rest of my life with a stranger who slept beside me every night.  So 3 weeks before we were due to marry, I packed my life into boxes and left.  Left my life I was so comfortable with, left my home which I adored, the home that to me was always going to be full of so much love and contentment, I left my best friend …  Continue reading

Lost, lonely and longing for life to begin…

Sitting at home, alone, the life suddenly sucked out of you, the darkness of being alone consumes you.  One thought turns to another, then another and before you know it you’re in a storm of thoughts, forgetting where you first began.

There are plenty of things on my mind today. Career mainly.  I finished my Masters over two months ago now and I am yet to find a job that enables me to use my knowledge and experience.  I dream of being a Dr, a Neurosurgeon but the struggle I am having as a 25-year-old woman is the thought of a family.  The thought that I’ll start a degree in medicine and regret not making time to have a family or worse, not having time for a family churning me up inside.  My life as it is, is full of what ifs? I have no certainty. Do I know where I’ll be in 10 years time? 5 even? Its unlikely that where I think I will be, I will actually end up.  Therein lies the problem… I do not do well with uncertainty.  I am one of those unfortunate people that needs to be in control of everything at all times otherwise I conjure up every possible circumstance that may arise and completely panic over the hypothetical situation I have built and blown up – silly really.  I have no idea where the intense desire to plan my every move to the next breath comes from but it is something I find a lot of individuals do, especially academics.  I find myself wondering; if this desire was not so strong, would these individuals be so successful? Is this what drives our wants, needs, dreams and ambition? Becoming an accomplished human being in a particular field can only be the byproduct of planning and executing a task to the best of your ability, can it not?

Here is where I tell myself it’s ok to feel lost, to feel disconnected, to feel like I have two degrees that I will do nothing with, because this is what drives me to plan my next move; how to move from this part of my life to the next.  I guess the one thing I could reduce is the catastrophic thinking, the what ifs can be pretty insane sometimes.  Years of battling anxiety and depression taught me to recognise such a thought and tell myself, tomorrow is another day, its ok to feel this way today, but tomorrow lets start again.

So as I sit here tonight, alone, and feeling lonely.  I ask myself… are you lonely? The answer … always no.  Just lost, trying to find my way through this maze we call life.